Dear Jon Stewart: I am so happy you are hosting the Academy Awards. I am a big fan. I love your show, but I have noticed sometimes you are sarcastic and make fun of people in the world of politics. I hope you aren't planning to make fun of any Hollywood stars.

I'm sure you will agree with me that "celebrity" is a unique crucible in which true character is forged. What with the paparazzi, gossip magazines and entertainment shows, the famous face pressures normal people can't even begin to understand.

Celebrities truly have so much to teach us about life and at a few events like the Academy Awards, they can speak to us directly. Please don't cut into that time with any of your cynical comedy jokes. Even when things run smoothly, those speeches are so short.

If you have a chance, could you try to get some of them talking about topics that concern me? For example, the other day I was in the checkout line at the supermarket and saw an article on the cover of one of those magazines titled "marriage tips from the stars."

Unfortunately, I was rushing home to watch "Cribs," and I didn't have time to read the article. I am just sick about it. I have only been married three years, and if any group of people can teach me how to make my marriage last, its Hollywood actors. Could you please ask Renee Zellweger for the secret to her weeklong marriage to Kenny Chesney?

Also I am very confused by the mental health information I have been getting on TV. Brooke Shields was cute as a button in "Blue Lagoon," and she said postpartum depression is for real. I think Tom Cruise is going to be at the Awards. He told Matt Lauer he knows the real history of psychiatry and from his tone, Jon, it didn't sound so good.

Like I always say -- how often do you get the chance to hear from an Operating Thetan about the true history of the evil beings known as Psychs who are really members of the fifth galactic invader force?

Jon, I know it may not be hip these days to believe that an extraterrestrial tyrant named Xenu enslaved humanity with his evil psychic influence 75 million years ago. Sure, to it may seem quaint and old-fashioned to think that the cunning Xenu infested human souls with hundreds of alien spirits by paralyzing them and showing them horrific movies just like that poor guy in "Clockwork Orange."

But Jon, instead of making a cheap joke at his, or Scientology's expense, shouldn't you give Tom Cruise the chance to educate us simple folk about these important issues?

You see, Jon, just as ancient mariners plotted their courses by the stars, so we modern Americans chart our destinies by the shining light of the heavenly bodies of the constellation Hollywood. Do not stand between that light and us, Jon. Do not let your jaded ennui cast a shadow of gloom on the transplendant display of human merit and wisdom that is the Academy Awards.

And Jon, if you do nothing else at the awards, please try to get Brad, Angelina and Jen to make some kind of public reconciliation. I don't think the nation can begin to deal with the war in Iraq, win the war on terror or streamline all these pesky civil liberties until we heal this painful rift at home.

Jon, the nation is counting on you, so don't blow it.

Peter Bovingdon

is a part-time writer for Your Time and the IR