My favorite question to ask in marital rherapy is: "What have you done to contribute to the behavior of your spouse about which you are complaining?"

It usually throws people for a loop because they want to focus on their spouse's problems and annoyances and not have to look at their own behavior in the marital interaction.

It is obvious to most people that there are differences between men and women in their interest in and desire for sex. Men have 40 percent more testosterone so we are more sexually motivated. Conflict over sex is the major problem I deal with in marital therapy.

However, I believe that sex is still an important part of a good marriage which should consist of three elements: friendship, passion and commitment.

I also believe that lovemaking can get better with age, like the ripening of a good bottle of wine. As people get to know each other more intimately, they can connect more passionately in their lovemaking.

What follows is a list of what men can do to better ensure a satisfactory love life for both spouses:

Spend quality or intimate time with your spouse, talking about your day, deep feelings, hopes for the future, etc. In other words, develop emotional intimacy in your relationship with your spouse.

Make sure she feels loved and cherished by you. She should get the message that you are not just interested in sex but in making love to her as a way to express your love for her.

Perhaps one of the most romantic things you can do is to take out the garbage in the morning without being asked. You should share household chores as a way of expressing love to your wife. Don't expect her to clean the house all day long and then be in a romantic mood that evening, especially if you have been off playing golf or hunting.

The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her children. Whether they be your own children or your step-children, treat your wife's children well, and she will love you all the more for it.

Be a patient, gentle, considerate, lover. Be as interested in her pleasure as your own. And honor her request to stop if she is experiencing pain. After all it's her body not yours.

Afterwards, cuddle and talk. Don't just roll over and go to sleep.

Don't grab your wife to initiate love-making. Ask first.

Don't expect or complain that she doesn't initiate lovemaking too often. Most women do not. They are usually not socialized to be sexually assertive, so don't take it personally if she doesn't initiate sex too often.

Probably the worst thing you could do to discourage lovemaking is to criticize your spouse for being cold or frigid when you are part of the problem.

J. Bailey Molineux is a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling and can be reached at 406-443-1990.